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Satan Writes Letter to Pat Robertson

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune’s Letter of the Day on January 14 was from Satan to evangelist Pat Robertson, responding to his comment that Haiti's persistent troubles, including the earthquake, are due to a pact the nation made with Mephistopheles.

Actually, it wasn't Satan who wrote the letter but Lilly Coyle of Minneapolis writing in the persona of the hellish one. I think she got it down pretty well. What do you think?

Dear Pat Robertson, 

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. 

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads" ? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Housekeeping: Some Posts Have Comments Closed

Hi Folks-

Comments have been closed on all posts regarding my dead father until his  family can begin to use e-mail.  If there's something you want to reply to, feel free to e-mail it and I will post it for now.

You might also want to check out my sister's coolness on her blog.

It's Done

There is a six page, hand-written letter my father wrote to me shortly after I got sober and was cleaning up the wreckage of my past. It is a response to a letter I wrote confronting him about his abuse. It is six pages of rationalizations and justifications about why what he did to me was not abuse but it does serve as proof that he did indeed abuse me, something his widow seems to believe could only have really happened had he gone to jail.

After the events of this weekend and the responses from my father's Arizona family, I decided to send the letter to his widow in response to her comment along with my own.

I've not included his letter here for obvious reasons; the most obvious being that it is extremely triggering for surviving readers and just plain disturbing to others. If you are not interested, don't follow the link to read more. I won't take it personally. I will also be officially moving this thread over to Three of Four officially with this post.

The "Gift" That Keeps On Giving

For anyone still interested and reading, there's been new activity  in the thread about my dead father.

You can read their comments and my replies here and here.

More to follow on Three of Four , in the next day or two.