krishanna|dot|com

Life Goes On

Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.

The question of self-pity.

~Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

I’ve been thinking long and sometimes hard about how I would begin this blog post after so long an absence from my own blog; after my voice has been absent so long from it. The easiest way to begin, I think, is to provide you with a brief outline of sorts of the last few months of my life and go from there.

I used to come here with some definitive idea in mind, a story or a news item.to share. Today though, I’ve arrived ready to write with nothing more to share than my thoughts about the last few months, as I roll up my sleeves and begin to shape and mold the blob of clay my life currently represents.

 

April 26, 2010

My life implodes; my world implodes with ten little words:  "I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore". D (formerly referred to as Manthing in this blog) has been unhappy a long time and doesn’t know if he wants to stay together. He says this calmly, his tone matter of fact, as though I should have known it all along and seen it coming.

May 29, 2010

I discover, quite by accident, that D has been texting a female online friend daily for months.

May 1, 2010

Tchocthke, my beloved familiar, constant companion for 18 years; my cranky feline matriarch suffers a heart attack in my arms and dies.

May 10, 2010

I discover, again by accident, D has placed several phone calls to this friend. He spends 3 and 4 hours a night, every night, talking online with her, insisting they are only friends and yet stating she makes him happy, makes him feel good and give him what I can’t.

May 18th, 2010

I visit my shrink and we adjust my anti-depressant dosage. I make an appointment to begin talk therapy.

May 24th, 2010

I have my first talk therapy appointment in many years.

May 29th – June 5, 2010

A week’s vacation with D’s family, out of town. D was unusually amiable and gracious; it felt as though it was the last vacation and he was trying to make it as pleasant memorable as possible- for which of us, I’m not sure.

June 23, 2010

Stinkerbelle, our 15 year old cat, part blue-eyed Siamese and alley cat, the tiny kitten we had rescued from a life of living in a garbage can at a trailer park, in the year D and I had first met, died peacefully in her sleep.

July 1, 2010

D sees a therapist, says he doesn’t need to go back, and will let me know what he’s decided in a week after he’s thought about it per the counselor he spoke to once.

July 7, 2010

Fatboy, my 14 year old Pitbull, the pick of Woman’s last litter, one of the best dogs that has ever shared my life, was in too much pain, his tired, old body that had seen so much buoyant, out of control joy was betraying him and so we sent him to sleep.

July 8, 2010

D  informs me he does not want counseling and does not want to stay together anymore. His reasons are still as unclear to me as they were in April; that his trust in me has failed, he doesn’t love me anymore and is intent on finding “someone he can be happy with” and there's no particular reason why. He is adamant his online "friend" has nothing whatsoever to do with it. I often wonder who he's trying to convince.

I can provide this outline because of  the entries in my datebook that mark these events and happenings. If they seem to lack feeling or lustre, it’s because I didn’t really discuss my feelings there. I merely marked time and events because consumed as I was with heartache and disillusionment, I knew I would forget the sequence.

The loss I feel.

I envision it to be a large, deep, black hole that I’ve been looking down into. It is not bottomless but it is deep. I sense it’s bottom more than see it . Most importantly I am not IN the hole. I am not even on the precipice- that place where you cannot step backward nor move forward. Today  I am even far enough away from it to walk around it. But I know it’s there, its spiral close by.

This is not something I want- to end the relationship with the man I was committed to being with for the rest of my life- the man I love. It wasn’t even my idea. I wanted to work through it so that we would come out better on the other side, as I thought we always had. Yet, even that was illusion it would seem.

And so, I find myself beginning to carve out a new life. I have a little time to make plans and save what money I can. We have to finish the last 6 months of the lease on the house and neither of us can afford 2 rent payments or to pay off the lease. I live on a somewhat  fixed income and D isn’t working, having been laid off 2 years ago.

I can use this time to save what I can and move forward. That’s the next right thing to do.

Beyond that...I just don't know.

A Job For the Drama Llama

Thursday, October 22, 2009, Early Afternoon

Okay, so the church my father had been attending is having his memorial service.  After talking to my sister and checking with the other two daughters, we 've decided to ask the church to include us in the church bulletin for genealogical reasons. My sister and one of the other sisters are into genealogy and so, it would be nice to have some acknowledgment; especially since we were not acknowledged on the obituary.

I called the church, to give the church administrative assistant the appropriate information and leave word that I'd like to talk with the Pastor. She is a little surprised to be hearing from someone who claims she's Duke Spencer's daughter. It went something like this:

Me: Hello, my name is Krishanna Spencer and I am Duke Spencer's daughter. I would like to speak with the pastor before tomorrow's memorial service.

Admin Assistant: <silence...silence...silence> Ohhhhhh... okay. What is this in reference to?

Me: I would like to be included on the church bulletin along with my other 3 sisters.

Admin Assistant: <silence...silence...silence> Ohhhhhh... okay.

Me: I realize this is probably catching you offguard.

Admin Assistant: Er, well, yes...are you coming to the service? What did you say your name was?

Me: No, I won't be attending the memorial service. My name is Krishanna Spencer.

Admin Assistant: And your sister's names?

Me: Let make sure I have the names right.

Admin Assistant: You don't know your sister's names?

Me: I know their names, I just need to make sure I have their full names right. They are actually half-sisters. We just found them a couple of years ago.

Admin Assistant: Oh. My, he was a busy man!

Me: Yes, yes he was.

Surviving George Owen

This obituary appeared in the Payson, Arizona newspaper, The Payson Roundup, some time in the last 7 days.

George “Duke” Spencer died Oct. 14, 2009 in Payson. He was born May 8, 1927 in Illinois.

Mr. Spencer moved to Payson in 1991. The Army veteran worked for a time as an actor in Hollywood, appearing in the John Wayne film “War Wagon” and the films “Hour of the Gun” and “Prison,” among others. He was also a volunteer with the Special Olympics program.

He is survived by his wife, Annie G.S. Spencer of Payson; son, John Shaffer Spencer of Chandler; and grandson, Kyle.

There will be a memorial service at 3 p.m., Friday, Oct. 23 at Mount Cross Lutheran Church in Payson.

Donations in Mr. Spencer’s name may be made to Hospice Compassus or to a special fund for Annie Spencer at Wells Fargo Bank.

You might wondering who this guy is and why I posted his obituary. He was my father and much of the information listed in that obituary are lies and mistruths.

George “Duke” Spencer

My father’s name was George Owen Spencer. Most people called him “Duke” after a figment of my father’s imagination. He was also called “Sam”, “Owen” and “Guy” at various times throughout his life.

An Army Veteran

My father was born in  May of 1927. This would have made him 18 in 1945. World War II ended in late April and early May of 1945 when the Germans surrendered. Technically, having been in the Army qualifies you as an Army veteran. Does that mean one is a “veteran” in the terms we tend to think of?   George Owen Spencer never went overseas, never saw combat and the German surrender ended his army career.

An Actor in Hollywood

Ahem. This is a ginormous load of shit. It’s true my father always wanted to be an actor. It’s true he thought of himself as actor. But the only acting he really did was off camera.

War Wagon & Hour of the Gun

Both of these films were released in 1967 and he is not in the credits of either film. No SAG card either. I was born in 1964. My father was working for the state of Utah during 1965 and 1966. This means he would have had to have been in two places at once! My mother moved herself and I from Utah to California in 1967. My father followed that same year from Utah and probably stepped foot in Hollywood for the first time then.

Prison

He was actually in this one. He’s in the credits AND he actually worked at the prison where it was filmed. I also remember he mentioned something about it in a phone call. I’ve never seen it and it’s not in my top 50 movies to see even if Viggo Mortensen has the lead

Survived By

Ms. Annie G. S. Spencer would lead all of Payson to believe the man had only one wife and one child.  The truth is he is survived by FOUR natural daughters. He adopted two sons; one is deceased and the other is mentioned in the obituary. By our count, he had at least five wives.

My first thought was when I saw the e-mail was "He's finally dead". I have not cast eyes on him in 26 years nor spoken to him in 20. The only reason we know he is dead is because my sister and I set up Google Alerts to let us know when an obituary was posted. Although his widow had both my sister's and my mother's telephone numbers, she chose not to call and let anyone know of his death.

The memories my mother, my sister and I have of him are tainted with lies, betrayal, sexual abuse, abandonment and loss. We’ve spent years sifting truth from untruth, like prospectors mining for gold in a pan.

I feel relieved, at peace, and freer.

I have indeed survived him.

Not Just Navel Gazing

My Dearest Readers~

I am not just contemplating my navel. Honest.  I am still here and I still think about you and this blog everyday. The way in which I live my life on the web has changed dramatically and naturally, so has the way I blog or don't blog.

The minutiae of daily life feels too trivial and too boring to relay to you. The summer was hot and long and I spent most of it just getting through. My pain levels climb to 6 or 7 (on a good day) and remain there throughout the summer. Between managing pain and working on the web more and more, there's little energy left in the bank for personal blogging. It's been all about television and Second Life from my recliner most evenings this summer.

There are parts of my life that feel too vulnerable to offer up to public consumption these days. Many of my opinions about current events,  and the communities I am involved with cause unnecessary friction in a world that is already fraught with polarization and myopia. 

There's change on the wind everywhere.

It's autumn now, not officially yet, but I can smell it and feel it.  The nights are cooler the days are getting shorter and while everyone is beginning to dread the arrival of winter I am feeling more inspired and energetic each day.

So thanks for checking in and keeping tabs on me.  I appreciate it more than you know. More to come very soon.

P.S. The navel above belongs to Ms. Abitibi, not me. She's got other cool photos on her Flickr photostream that are worth a look, if you're into that sort of thing.  =^.^=

The Earrings

I had no idea when I put the earrings on this morning I would encounter such news this afternoon.

A favorite blogger of mine, whose blog I visited as often as my time allowed, whose words and attitudes I found inspiring and refreshing has moved on to another plane and is no longer here with us.

The earrings I hung in my earlobes this morning were made by her. Clear, cool, deep and simple. I read the note she enclosed in the blue organdy bag they arrived in and smiled, as I always do when I wear those earrings.

She is survived by her True Love, one puss and family and friends.

I will miss her words and adventures.

This Says It All, Really

Thanks! I Needed That!

Thanks, Eden!  Absolutely "Muppalicious"! Now, if I can remember to Watch it or record it!

Pay Attention

It's not often I do this so pay attention!

Many of you may not know I am a good cook. I don't talk about it very much mostly because it's one of those menial, everyday, un-extraordinary things I do most everyday. At least I think of it that way. I do enjoy it, though. I enjoy the mixing and measuring and assembling of a dish much more than I enjoy the tedium of baking. I relish the stirring of the pot as the seasonings and the flavors all meld together. I enjoy the ritual of cooking, the sacredness in its every day monotony.

Here is a recipe for homemade hot chocolate. To be sure, it's nothing fancy but Manthing asks for it as soon as the weather turns and I've never known anyone to pass it by. It's so not lowfat but it is relatively low-carb so if you are keeping an eye on those things... now you know. =)

Spiced Hot Chocolate for Two

1 qt. traditional half and half
1/4 cup of cocoa powder*
1/2 to 3/4 cup sugar or splenda*
1 tsp. Real vanilla extract*
1/2 tsp. Almond extract*
1/2 tsp. Cinnamon*
1/2 tsp. Nutmeg*
Whipped cream**

*The measurements on these ingridients are all a rough estimate. I don't actually use measuring utensils for this because I've been making it so long. I just dump them in till it looks right. ;)

**Canned whipped cream works fine for this but you can also whip up some heavy whipping cream with a little confectioner's sugar and vanilla for an extra treat.

Pour the half & half into a medium sauce pan and set on medium high heat. Add cocoa powder and all other ingridients and whisk or stir till well blended and hot.

Pour into tall mugs and top with whipped cream. Dust the whipped cream with cinnamon to make it look pretty.

Makes approximately 3 to 4 1.5 cup servings.

Favorites Today

Here are 10 of my favorites about today:

1. It's a marvelous Monday

2. It's a sumptuous 60 degrees outside

3. Wonderous Words

4. Nourishing Naps

5. Happy work

6. Fabulous Friend Feed

7. Friendly Facebook

8. Bountiful blogs

9. Juicy new books

10. Cuddly cats

What are 10 of your favorite things today?

Post Assistance

Holy crap! I just had a cup of tea and realized I have not updated this since people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died... You would not believe the fairy dust I have to clean up. Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!.

I am hopped up on caffeine with feeding the little people, a ticking crocodile, just generally being a delightful mistress to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles from the second star on the right, straight on to well after sun-down. I am wearing my budgie smugglers. can't they see I am blogging.

I will try to remember I promised you   I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. No, really! What do you mean you don’t believe me?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Okay, you busted me.  I didn’t really write that… the Lazy Bloggers’ Post Generator did.But I did pick out all the words and phrases and it was fun!  Go try it!